2 Jokes
The following joke was told to me recently:
A bitterly annoyed mother-in-law plucked up the courage to ask her son-in-law why she had not received a Christmas gift from him this year.
"Because you have yet to make use of the gift I got you last year," he replied.
The reply did nothing to ease tensions. The Mother-in-law simply glared at her son-in-law, clearly highly annoyed.
The following joke was told to me recently:
A bitterly annoyed mother-in-law plucked up the courage to ask her son-in-law why she had not received a Christmas gift from him this year.
"Because you have yet to make use of the gift I got you last year," he replied.
The reply did nothing to ease tensions. The Mother-in-law simply glared at her son-in-law, clearly highly annoyed.
"What was it he got you last year Gran?" inquired her curious grandson.
"A plot at the local cemetery," she replied indignantly.
****
IN COURT (This one is also not original. I recall hearing something like this from, what I think was a BBC comedy cassette tape I had years ago) +++have discovered this was originally by Not the Nine O'clock news. Hope the authors don't mind my using their skit as the basis for my slightly extended one.....
Elderly Judge: "Order in this Court. Order! Yes Mr Appleby, the State says client is to be charged with three counts of burglary. They require your client to post bail of two hundred pounds if he wishes to be released pending trial. What do you say about that?"
Mr Appleby: As it pleases the Court, my Lord, my client will say that, as far as the first count is concerned, the digital watch was given to him recently as a present from a friend who has, quite unfortunately recently emigrated and ...."
Judge (interrupting): "Digital watch. What, pray tell, is a digital watch?"
Mr Appleby and the State prosecutor exchange perplexed glances. A few bemused giggles from the gallery carry through to the well of the Court, but are fortunately inaudible to the hard of hearing Judge.
Mr Appleby: "Well. Err... Well, my lord, a digital watch is one which is electronic rather than mechanical, and it works on batteries."
Judge: " Really? How absolutely fascinating." A pause. "So I suppose one doesn't have to wind it up like normal watches?"
Mr Appleby (with a detectable hint of relief in his voice): "That is quite so, my Lord. Instead, one simply replaces the battery every few months or so." A pause. "In fact, with your lordship's leave, the prosecutor has just handed me the watch in question. Perhaps your lordship might wish me to hand it up for the Court to examine."
Court: "Yes, I think I would like to see this extraordinary watch for myself." The Judge looks at the Prosecutor as the court orderly hands the watch up. "I presume this will be the State's Exhibit A at the trial in due course?"
Prosecuting Counsel: "Indeed my lord."
Judge: "Well this is most fascinating. What will they think of next?" Hands watch back to orderly. "Pray, do proceed."
Mr Appleby: "And turning to deal with second charge, my Lord, my client's instructions are that he in fact purchased the automatic video recorder with his own funds and that he hopes to locate the receipt in good time for ....."
Judge (interrupting): "Automatic video recorder. Pray tell. What is an automatic video recorder?"
Once again, the legal representatives exchange exasperated glances. Those in the public gallery, who can not restrain themselves from sniggering are saved by the Judge's hearing problem, not to mention by his short-sightedness. An outdated, thick set of spectacles the Judge is wearing are probably only for reading and in any event, they looked as though they had replaced monocles as the height of fashion sometime during the previous century.
Mr Appleby pauses for several seconds. He scratches his chin and then his wrinkled forehead: "Well my Lord. An automatic video recorder is a machine used to record live television programmes onto magnetic tape for later viewing at one's convenience. The device can even be set to record a television programme when one is not at home and, what's more, the device is capable of recording the programme irrespective of whether the television set is on or off at the time." A pause. "In fact my Lord, the machine in question is on display over there on the table next to the Prosecutor's desk. Your Lordship will forgive me if I don't ask the orderly to hand that up."
Judge: "That won't be necessary, Mr Appleby. I can see the machine well enough from here. It's rather large isn't it. Records television even if the television set is off, you say?"
Mr Appleby: "Indeed so, my Lord."
Judge: "How absolutely fascinating. What will they think of next? I'm afraid I still use a cassette tape recorder on occasion to record radio programmes. But not only does the radio have to be on in order for me to record anything, I dare say that I have a devil of a time trying to keep my wife from talking over the whole recording." A pause. " I'm afraid that video recorder machine looks complicated and no doubt I'll require both of my university degrees in order to wade through its instructions:" Polite laughter from the gallery. "Pray, do continue. I can't wait to see if the third charge relates to an equally novel invention."
Mr Appleby pauses. He shuffles about awkwardly. He glances at a box the grinning prosecutor has just handed to him. His cheeks become a little flushed.
Judge: "Mr Appleby, as fascinating as all this has been this morning, I do a have several other matters on the Court's roll. So let's get on with it, shall we?"
Mr Appleby: "I do apologise, my Lord. It's just that I'm afraid that the third count relates to an item the purpose of which does not lend itself to being mentioned in polite circles such as this. It involves what I might refer to as a matter of some delicacy."
Judge: "Mr Appleby, I can assure you, that in my years of service on this bench, I've suffered through all sorts of evidence which could fall into the category you're describing. So, let's proceed with out further ado, shall we?"
Mr Appleby: "Indeed my lord. As far as Count three is concerned, my client's evidence will be that he was equally as surprised as was the policemen who discovered the third item under the seat of his motor vehicle..." A further awkward pause. " the third item, being, err..being the Deluxe Model inflatable woman which...."
To Mr Appleby's horror, the Judge interrupts him. He was hoping to be spared the embarrassment of being asked to explain the purpose of the third item to the amusement of the entire Court.
Judge: "Correct me if I'm wrong Mr Appleby, but the Deluxe Model is the one with the real hair isn't it?"
END two more court tales follow the Ed article link below
ED MILIBAND leadership issue is becoming toxic for Labour. What should they do? : Link to another of my blog articles below
http://siegfriedwalther.blogspot.com/2014/11/uncertainty-about-ed-milibands.html
COURT TALES
Prosecutor: And won't you please tell his Lordship whether you had an opportunity to make any observations about the accused's behaviour or his demeanour?
Witness: Yes indeed, my Lord. It was obvious to me that the accused had had a lot to drink. He was reeking of alcohol, slurring and unsteady on his feet. In fact, I would say he was as drunk as a Judge.
Judge (sounding a little miffed): Surely you mean to say that he was a drunk as a Lord.
Witness (apologetically): Yes, my Lord.
********************
CROSS EXAMINATION TIP: Know the answer before you ask the question
Inexperienced litigators don't always comprehend the importance of never asking open ended questions whilst cross examining a witness.
This is not always easy to do. Occasionally, when at a loss about what to ask next, even experienced counsel have been known to resort to open ended questions in the (often vain) hope that the witness himself will offer up some titbit of material which the cross-examiner might seize upon.
This is what can happen:
In a criminal trial a state witness had just given his evidence in chief for the state, during which he had identified the accused who had been some distance away, around fifty feet, on the other side of the road, at night.
Under vigorous cross examination the witness insisted that despite that the identification had been made at night, a street lamp on the other side of the road had allowed him to make an accurate identification of the perpetrator i.e. the accused.
At his wits end, and in desperation, the Defence counsel forgot his training and sarcastically posed an open-ended question to the witness. ( I should add that this occurred in the US in front of a jury trial. )
Attorney: "Mr Auld, won't you please tell the jury just how far you think you can see at night?"
He of course hoped that the annoyingly self-assured witness would be tempted to exaggerate his ability , thereby offering the attorney a chance to go onto the attack. This is not what occurred.
Witness: I don't really know your honour.
The witnesses then adopted a modest tone for the first time.
And then, with his next utterance....disaster for the defence.
Witness: Perhaps you can tell me (he said to the attorney.) ...How far is the moon?
Witnesses and speeding
I don't know how it is outside South Africa but, here, time after time, there is a consistent, almost uncanny similarity in the testimony delivered under oath in our Courts from witnesses about the speed they happened to be traveling at.
It matters not whether the evidence is being given by an Accused person or by some witness who just happened to be traveling in the area at the time in question.
The standard response to any question relating to the speed the driver was doing is usually that it was about five or ten kilometres an hour slower than the speed limit on that road.
It matters not which road it is. If its a national road, they say they were doing about 115 km's an hour (120 being the limit) and in built up areas, its 55km/h (restriction being 60). Even near schools, the speed is about 25km/h when the limit is 30 etc etc etc.
I'll never forgot when my opponent in a civil case once alerted me to this phenomenon.
"I suppose," he said in a deadpan tone, "that your guy will say that he was traveling at the speed witnesses travel at."
MORE:
a Direct Link https://geo.itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-powder-of-one/id965985049?mt=11&uo=6
THE POWDER OF ONE - by Siegfried Walther now at fine eBook stores worldwide in various formats
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/517863
http://siegfriedwalther.blogspot.com/2015/01/political-humour-we-see-your-jihad.html
+Jokes of the day +Funny Humor +Humour +Jokes Plaza +Jokes Daily +Jokes R Us +Amusing Feed
"A plot at the local cemetery," she replied indignantly.
****
IN COURT (This one is also not original. I recall hearing something like this from, what I think was a BBC comedy cassette tape I had years ago) +++have discovered this was originally by Not the Nine O'clock news. Hope the authors don't mind my using their skit as the basis for my slightly extended one.....
Elderly Judge: "Order in this Court. Order! Yes Mr Appleby, the State says client is to be charged with three counts of burglary. They require your client to post bail of two hundred pounds if he wishes to be released pending trial. What do you say about that?"
Mr Appleby: As it pleases the Court, my Lord, my client will say that, as far as the first count is concerned, the digital watch was given to him recently as a present from a friend who has, quite unfortunately recently emigrated and ...."
Judge (interrupting): "Digital watch. What, pray tell, is a digital watch?"
Mr Appleby and the State prosecutor exchange perplexed glances. A few bemused giggles from the gallery carry through to the well of the Court, but are fortunately inaudible to the hard of hearing Judge.
Mr Appleby: "Well. Err... Well, my lord, a digital watch is one which is electronic rather than mechanical, and it works on batteries."
Judge: " Really? How absolutely fascinating." A pause. "So I suppose one doesn't have to wind it up like normal watches?"
Mr Appleby (with a detectable hint of relief in his voice): "That is quite so, my Lord. Instead, one simply replaces the battery every few months or so." A pause. "In fact, with your lordship's leave, the prosecutor has just handed me the watch in question. Perhaps your lordship might wish me to hand it up for the Court to examine."
Court: "Yes, I think I would like to see this extraordinary watch for myself." The Judge looks at the Prosecutor as the court orderly hands the watch up. "I presume this will be the State's Exhibit A at the trial in due course?"
Prosecuting Counsel: "Indeed my lord."
Judge: "Well this is most fascinating. What will they think of next?" Hands watch back to orderly. "Pray, do proceed."
Mr Appleby: "And turning to deal with second charge, my Lord, my client's instructions are that he in fact purchased the automatic video recorder with his own funds and that he hopes to locate the receipt in good time for ....."
Judge (interrupting): "Automatic video recorder. Pray tell. What is an automatic video recorder?"
Once again, the legal representatives exchange exasperated glances. Those in the public gallery, who can not restrain themselves from sniggering are saved by the Judge's hearing problem, not to mention by his short-sightedness. An outdated, thick set of spectacles the Judge is wearing are probably only for reading and in any event, they looked as though they had replaced monocles as the height of fashion sometime during the previous century.
Mr Appleby pauses for several seconds. He scratches his chin and then his wrinkled forehead: "Well my Lord. An automatic video recorder is a machine used to record live television programmes onto magnetic tape for later viewing at one's convenience. The device can even be set to record a television programme when one is not at home and, what's more, the device is capable of recording the programme irrespective of whether the television set is on or off at the time." A pause. "In fact my Lord, the machine in question is on display over there on the table next to the Prosecutor's desk. Your Lordship will forgive me if I don't ask the orderly to hand that up."
Judge: "That won't be necessary, Mr Appleby. I can see the machine well enough from here. It's rather large isn't it. Records television even if the television set is off, you say?"
Mr Appleby: "Indeed so, my Lord."
Judge: "How absolutely fascinating. What will they think of next? I'm afraid I still use a cassette tape recorder on occasion to record radio programmes. But not only does the radio have to be on in order for me to record anything, I dare say that I have a devil of a time trying to keep my wife from talking over the whole recording." A pause. " I'm afraid that video recorder machine looks complicated and no doubt I'll require both of my university degrees in order to wade through its instructions:" Polite laughter from the gallery. "Pray, do continue. I can't wait to see if the third charge relates to an equally novel invention."
Mr Appleby pauses. He shuffles about awkwardly. He glances at a box the grinning prosecutor has just handed to him. His cheeks become a little flushed.
Judge: "Mr Appleby, as fascinating as all this has been this morning, I do a have several other matters on the Court's roll. So let's get on with it, shall we?"
Mr Appleby: "I do apologise, my Lord. It's just that I'm afraid that the third count relates to an item the purpose of which does not lend itself to being mentioned in polite circles such as this. It involves what I might refer to as a matter of some delicacy."
Judge: "Mr Appleby, I can assure you, that in my years of service on this bench, I've suffered through all sorts of evidence which could fall into the category you're describing. So, let's proceed with out further ado, shall we?"
Mr Appleby: "Indeed my lord. As far as Count three is concerned, my client's evidence will be that he was equally as surprised as was the policemen who discovered the third item under the seat of his motor vehicle..." A further awkward pause. " the third item, being, err..being the Deluxe Model inflatable woman which...."
To Mr Appleby's horror, the Judge interrupts him. He was hoping to be spared the embarrassment of being asked to explain the purpose of the third item to the amusement of the entire Court.
Judge: "Correct me if I'm wrong Mr Appleby, but the Deluxe Model is the one with the real hair isn't it?"
END two more court tales follow the Ed article link below
ED MILIBAND leadership issue is becoming toxic for Labour. What should they do? : Link to another of my blog articles below
http://siegfriedwalther.blogspot.com/2014/11/uncertainty-about-ed-milibands.html
COURT TALES
Prosecutor: And won't you please tell his Lordship whether you had an opportunity to make any observations about the accused's behaviour or his demeanour?
Witness: Yes indeed, my Lord. It was obvious to me that the accused had had a lot to drink. He was reeking of alcohol, slurring and unsteady on his feet. In fact, I would say he was as drunk as a Judge.
Judge (sounding a little miffed): Surely you mean to say that he was a drunk as a Lord.
Witness (apologetically): Yes, my Lord.
********************
CROSS EXAMINATION TIP: Know the answer before you ask the question
Inexperienced litigators don't always comprehend the importance of never asking open ended questions whilst cross examining a witness.
This is not always easy to do. Occasionally, when at a loss about what to ask next, even experienced counsel have been known to resort to open ended questions in the (often vain) hope that the witness himself will offer up some titbit of material which the cross-examiner might seize upon.
This is what can happen:
In a criminal trial a state witness had just given his evidence in chief for the state, during which he had identified the accused who had been some distance away, around fifty feet, on the other side of the road, at night.
Under vigorous cross examination the witness insisted that despite that the identification had been made at night, a street lamp on the other side of the road had allowed him to make an accurate identification of the perpetrator i.e. the accused.
At his wits end, and in desperation, the Defence counsel forgot his training and sarcastically posed an open-ended question to the witness. ( I should add that this occurred in the US in front of a jury trial. )
Attorney: "Mr Auld, won't you please tell the jury just how far you think you can see at night?"
He of course hoped that the annoyingly self-assured witness would be tempted to exaggerate his ability , thereby offering the attorney a chance to go onto the attack. This is not what occurred.
Witness: I don't really know your honour.
The witnesses then adopted a modest tone for the first time.
And then, with his next utterance....disaster for the defence.
Witness: Perhaps you can tell me (he said to the attorney.) ...How far is the moon?
Witnesses and speeding
I don't know how it is outside South Africa but, here, time after time, there is a consistent, almost uncanny similarity in the testimony delivered under oath in our Courts from witnesses about the speed they happened to be traveling at.
It matters not whether the evidence is being given by an Accused person or by some witness who just happened to be traveling in the area at the time in question.
The standard response to any question relating to the speed the driver was doing is usually that it was about five or ten kilometres an hour slower than the speed limit on that road.
It matters not which road it is. If its a national road, they say they were doing about 115 km's an hour (120 being the limit) and in built up areas, its 55km/h (restriction being 60). Even near schools, the speed is about 25km/h when the limit is 30 etc etc etc.
I'll never forgot when my opponent in a civil case once alerted me to this phenomenon.
"I suppose," he said in a deadpan tone, "that your guy will say that he was traveling at the speed witnesses travel at."
MORE:
a Direct Link https://geo.itunes.apple.com/us/book/the-powder-of-one/id965985049?mt=11&uo=6
THE POWDER OF ONE - by Siegfried Walther now at fine eBook stores worldwide in various formats
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/517863
http://siegfriedwalther.blogspot.com/2015/01/political-humour-we-see-your-jihad.html
+Jokes of the day +Funny Humor +Humour +Jokes Plaza +Jokes Daily +Jokes R Us +Amusing Feed
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